The Awkwardness of the Hedgehog

Dear Simon,

I think it's cute that your mom always starts out her letters by apologizing for not writing more. It's cute because compared to me, she's practically live-blogging this pregnancy. You don't know what live-blogging is, because by the time you read this, people don't blog. They eye-vlog or something with their Google Glass. Actually, there's probably not a Google either. Anyway, that's not the point. I think I promised before both that I would be terrible at keeping up with this *and* that I wouldn't spend all my time apologizing for it. Let's move on to a topic I've been wanting to bring up with you...

You're going to find out about this at some point, so we better just come out and tell you: We used to have a hedgehog. Its name was Pan, and it was a horrible little creature that hated us. We took it back to the pet store when we moved to Rhode Island. ('Rhode Island?!' You're thinking, 'When did you live in Rhode Island? We live in Washington!' At least I hope that's what you're thinking, because if we find ourselves living in Rhode Island again, something has gone horribly awry.) Anyway, back to the hedgehog. I'm telling you about this for several reasons.

First, you would invariably find out about this at a really inopportune time. Maybe we just had a big argument about your grades (Straight A's AGAIN?! We like variety in this family!) or maybe you've just read through these blog posts for the first time and thought to yourself, "Man, I caused my poor mother no end of trouble. All that vomiting. I bet no hedgehog ever caused her that much trouble." It is at these times that you would certainly somehow learn about the hedgehog and spend a lot of time worrying about whether we were going to take YOU back to the pet store for being bad. The answer is no. We love you a lot more than we loved that hedgehog, because it was horrible and you are wonderful, even when we're mad at you. You also aren't covered in spikes. At least I don't think you are. I haven't actually seen you yet outside of a less-than-clear ultrasound shot, but the odds are in your favor here. Not that I wouldn't love you if you were covered with spikes, it would just limit my ability to hug you. But I'd do it anyway. It's also illegal to give your child to a pet shop or circus. Don't ask how I know.

Secondly, it's so when you ask if you can have a hedgehog (or any other horrible animal that people don't generally keep as pets), I can confidently tell you no. Blame your mother for this lesson.

Love,

Dad